Director: Peter Jackson
Starring
Magneto
Arthur Dent
Kate Austen
Ned
Will Turner
Nameless dwarves
The Plot
In this sequel, the dwarves continue to try to get the 'ultimate thief' (who is actually pretty clumsy) Bilbo Baggins to break into the Lonely Mountain and steal a jewel from the dragon and bring it back out of the mountain so that the seven dwarf families can be reunited. Then they'll march back into the mountain and kill the dragon, claiming back their home.
The Review (Warning: Spoilers)
Firstly, Bilbo is the worst thief ever. Yes, I know he's walking on an unstable mountain of gold coins, but seriously, shut the hell up! You'd think he'd be a little more careful knowing Middle Earth's most terrifying dragon was lurking somewhere near. But apparently, the (mostly unnamed) dwarves went to get Bilbo, drag him away from his comfortable home, bring him all the way to the Lonely Mountain, only to find that it takes him approximately two minutes to wake up the damn dragon.
And this is also the point at which we are asked by Peter Jackson to not only suspend belief when wondering how the dragon managed to cover itself entirely in gold coins but also how, in the largest pile of gold known to the universe, how the precious Arkenstone is sitting right on the top.
Smaug shows us he's not an idiot by not believing any of Bilbo's total bullshit as to his mission, but then he decides to have a ten minute conversation before attempting (badly) to kill Bilbo. Why the conversation? Bilbo didn't have any new information worth listening to and I know Smaug likes his ego being rubbed a little, but he didn't believe a word Bilbo said. So it begs the question: Why was Bilbo left alive for so long?
Another question revolves around the love story: Tauriel loves Kili. It's safe to say it was attraction at first sight and love at first conversation; one is from the depths of the Earth and the darkness, the other from the light and the sky. This is all acceptable. What I don't like, however, is that Kili is the only attractive dwarf in the whole Hobbit/LOTR series. What are we being told about people's standards and what is and isn't acceptable when dating someone?
Other than these painfully obvious plot-holes and Peter Jackson's rules on dating, TDOS provides it's audience with more laughs, more action and an all-round better film than the prequel, which seemed like a second-rate Lord of the Rings. However, if this series intends to follow the same trend as LOTR, the first will be fine, the second will be awesome and the third will be fine, but drag on for at least an hour too long, if not more.
TDOS has some fantastic scenes and fighting choreograpphy (even if the special effects during these scenes look like Harry Potter playing quidditch in 'The Philosopher's Stone'). If you intend on going to see the film, keep an eye out for the fight on the river and the fantastic spider dialogue, which I believe is an accurate representation of how all spiders talk.
'The Desolation of Smaug' isn't going to win any Academy Awards, but it is a very fun, engaging and action-packed film, just like 'The Two Towers'.
Final Thought
There's one other thing I'd like to bring up and this may be a little controversial, but I just have to say it.
Gandalf the White is the worst wizard of all time, second only to Gandalf the Grey. However, since they're the same person, we'll just refer to him as Gandalf.
Wizards, at least in my eyes, are not only measured by their wisdom (of which, to be honest, Gandalf has plenty - even more than Dumbledore), but also their range and power of spells. The following is a list of spells we have witnessed Gandalf use in all five films he has appeared so far:
- Light on his staff. This also comes in a stronger form where the light can be blinding
- Pushing enemies back, a.k.a. The Bubble
- Calling an eagle via a moth – not even sure this is magic since he doesn't conjure anything, he simply calls the eagle, which he is already in good favour with
- Lightning sword – unclear as to whether or not this is summoning lighting or merely using a metal object to attract it. Perhaps Gandalf is more of a scientist?
- Horse-whisperer – Gandalf can guide his horse entirely with his mind. This is another animal bond rather than actual magic. Gandalf is the Cesar Milan of horses
- Shield – He can conjure a magical shield or something?
- Fire – though this is rarely used offensively and is favoured to do more menial tasks like lighting a fire or lighting lanterns
- "You Shall Not Pass" – This famous staff-slamming technique doesn't so much look like magic, but apparently it is. So if you ever need a small, stone bridge demolished or a few goblins thrown into the air (not necessarily hurt), then Gandalf is the Istar for the job.
Of course, hoards of Gandalf's nerdy defenders come to his aid in various forums and discussions, explaining away his complete lack of wizarding pizzazz by saying things like:
- Wizards are sent to Middle Earth to guide humans through the age of men, not to alter any course themselves
- If Gandalf used too much of his awesome magic, then Sauron would know where he is
And to those arguments I say this:
- If he can't change the course of things in the age of men, why fight in the war? Why not let it play out and sit back with Middle Earth's answer to popcorn (which could be popped using his fire power) and watch?
- So in 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug', when Sauron actually finds and captures Gandalf, he doesn't use any magic at all. And yes, I know he's still 'Grey' and not 'White', but do something, right?
If it wasn't for the bunny-sled (which most likely causes horrible nerd convulsions to those that have read the novel), Radagast would be the most useless because he gets bossed around by Gandalf. How pathetic is that?
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