The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – 7 out of 10

 

Director: Peter Jackson

 

 

Starring

Magneto

Arthur Dent

Kate Austen

Ned

Will Turner

Nameless dwarves

The Plot

 In this sequel, the dwarves continue to try to get the 'ultimate thief' (who is actually pretty clumsy) Bilbo Baggins to break into the Lonely Mountain and steal a jewel from the dragon and bring it back out of the mountain so that the seven dwarf families can be reunited. Then they'll march back into the mountain and kill the dragon, claiming back their home.

 

The Review (Warning: Spoilers)

 

 Firstly, Bilbo is the worst thief ever. Yes, I know he's walking on an unstable mountain of gold coins, but seriously, shut the hell up! You'd think he'd be a little more careful knowing Middle Earth's most terrifying dragon was lurking somewhere near. But apparently, the (mostly unnamed) dwarves went to get Bilbo, drag him away from his comfortable home, bring him all the way to the Lonely Mountain, only to find that it takes him approximately two minutes to wake up the damn dragon.

And this is also the point at which we are asked by Peter Jackson to not only suspend belief when wondering how the dragon managed to cover itself entirely in gold coins but also how, in the largest pile of gold known to the universe, how the precious Arkenstone is sitting right on the top.

Smaug shows us he's not an idiot by not believing any of Bilbo's total bullshit as to his mission, but then he decides to have a ten minute conversation before attempting (badly) to kill Bilbo. Why the conversation? Bilbo didn't have any new information worth listening to and I know Smaug likes his ego being rubbed a little, but he didn't believe a word Bilbo said. So it begs the question: Why was Bilbo left alive for so long?

Another question revolves around the love story: Tauriel loves Kili. It's safe to say it was attraction at first sight and love at first conversation; one is from the depths of the Earth and the darkness, the other from the light and the sky. This is all acceptable. What I don't like, however, is that Kili is the only attractive dwarf in the whole Hobbit/LOTR series. What are we being told about people's standards and what is and isn't acceptable when dating someone?

Other than these painfully obvious plot-holes and Peter Jackson's rules on dating, TDOS provides it's audience with more laughs, more action and an all-round better film than the prequel, which seemed like a second-rate Lord of the Rings. However, if this series intends to follow the same trend as LOTR, the first will be fine, the second will be awesome and the third will be fine, but drag on for at least an hour too long, if not more.

TDOS has some fantastic scenes and fighting choreograpphy (even if the special effects during these scenes look like Harry Potter playing quidditch in 'The Philosopher's Stone'). If you intend on going to see the film, keep an eye out for the fight on the river and the fantastic spider dialogue, which I believe is an accurate representation of how all spiders talk.

 

'The Desolation of Smaug' isn't going to win any Academy Awards, but it is a very fun, engaging and action-packed film, just like 'The Two Towers'.

Final Thought

There's one other thing I'd like to bring up and this may be a little controversial, but I just have to say it.

Gandalf the White is the worst wizard of all time, second only to Gandalf the Grey. However, since they're the same person, we'll just refer to him as Gandalf.

Wizards, at least in my eyes, are not only measured by their wisdom (of which, to be honest, Gandalf has plenty - even more than Dumbledore), but also their range and power of spells. The following is a list of spells we have witnessed Gandalf use in all five films he has appeared so far:

- Light on his staff. This also comes in a stronger form where the light can be blinding

- Pushing enemies back, a.k.a. The Bubble

- Calling an eagle via a moth – not even sure this is magic since he doesn't conjure anything, he simply calls the eagle, which he is already in good favour with

- Lightning sword – unclear as to whether or not this is summoning lighting or merely using a metal object to attract it. Perhaps Gandalf is more of a scientist?

- Horse-whisperer – Gandalf can guide his horse entirely with his mind. This is another animal bond rather than actual magic. Gandalf is the Cesar Milan of horses

- Shield – He can conjure a magical shield or something?

- Fire – though this is rarely used offensively and is favoured to do more menial tasks like lighting a fire or lighting lanterns

- "You Shall Not Pass" – This famous staff-slamming technique doesn't so much look like magic, but apparently it is. So if you ever need a small, stone bridge demolished or a few goblins thrown into the air (not necessarily hurt), then Gandalf is the Istar for the job.

Of course, hoards of Gandalf's nerdy defenders come to his aid in various forums and discussions, explaining away his complete lack of wizarding pizzazz by saying things like:

- Wizards are sent to Middle Earth to guide humans through the age of men, not to alter any course themselves

- If Gandalf used too much of his awesome magic, then Sauron would know where he is

And to those arguments I say this:

- If he can't change the course of things in the age of men, why fight in the war? Why not let it play out and sit back with Middle Earth's answer to popcorn (which could be popped using his fire power) and watch?

- So in 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug', when Sauron actually finds and captures Gandalf, he doesn't use any magic at all. And yes, I know he's still 'Grey' and not 'White', but do something, right?

 

If it wasn't for the bunny-sled (which most likely causes horrible nerd convulsions to those that have read the novel), Radagast would be the most useless because he gets bossed around by Gandalf. How pathetic is that?

Gravity - 8 out of 10

Director: Alfonso Cuarón

 

Starring

Annie Porter

Dr Doug Ross
Astronaut that isn't American, so let's not give him any lines and kill him (off-screen) as soon as possible
 

The Plot

Ms Congeniality is terrified of space, but goes into space and has her space-related fears confirmed, not entirely due to the presence of a rather irritating Danny Ocean.

 

The Review – Warning: Spoilers

All anyone could really talk about after this film were two things. Firstly, why couldn't Dr Patsy Stone hold onto Mike Wazowski? Secondly, what happened to him after they got separated?

He's an answer for both: Who cares? Just be thankful he left quietly, like a kind of embarrassed exit. He must have sensed how much I disliked him and bowed out of the film respectfully.

Everything that came out of his mouth was a little ridiculous and, as far as I'm concerned, was not at all representative of a believable human. Of course, in the world of films this is not a requirement because believable humans can be boring, but for a film that prides itself on its scientific accuracy (as approved by NASA), they could have at least attempted to make Clooney believable too.

Now, onto the part where the film got really good – I really felt for Stone in this and the whole thing was gripping, both in terms of action and visual effects. However, despite what the Cuaróns would like me to admit, I did not feel for Stone due to the fact that she had a dead child. I could care less if Stone's child was dead or waiting for her at home; it does nothing for the story. Can I not feel for the woman because of her horrific experience? Are we so disillusioned by films depicting great scenes of horror that we need a tragic back story in order to actually feel something for another person as they struggle to survive?

I don't know if you've seen the short film that accompanies this, called 'Aningaaq', but it's pretty cool for film nerds. I love a good spin-off/tie-in. And if you can get past Stone barking like a dog, both the feature-length film and it's short tie-in are worth a watch.

 

Final Thought(s)

How did Stone not get hit by shrapnel any of the times it was speeding past her for minutes at a time and how did Cuarón get away with putting that much foetal imagery into the film?

I look forward to the sequel, where Stone attempts to survive the harsh landscape she lands in without food, water, or appropriate clothing.

American Hustle - 4 out of 10

Director: David O Russell



 

 

Starring

J-Law

Colin Farrell in 'Horrible Bosses', a.k.a. Batman
Permed Pat Peoples

Robert de Niro as The Crypt Keeper

Mayor Quiff

Amy Adams' Side-boob

 

 The Plot

A film about a con man and con woman who are forced into helping the FBI because the FBI have never before performed a sting operation. And then other things happen, none of which make sense to me.

The Review

Jennifer Lawrence made the film worth watching, despite her significantly reduced screen time compared to the others. But I spent the rest of the film yawning and questioning the motivation of the characters.

American Hustle is a completely unstructured story, devoid of all plot. Or too much plot; it's hard to tell. I get the feeling they tried to fit at least six different scripts into one, but still wanted to give us twenty minutes of backstory at the start.

Several times throughout the film, an issue would arise where I would think, 'You're a two hour film. You don't have time to be dealing with this on top of everything else. Sort yourself out.'

The film, possibly due to having several scripts in one, is a fan of telling, not showing – throwing out the first rule of story-telling.

Beyond the plot, the characters were one-dimensional.

- J-Law is depressed.

- Christian Bale doesn't like being touched and he's a little pedantic.

- The mayor dude is a good guy - an honest politician.

- Bradley Cooper has anger issues. Also, he's the most incompetent FBI agent in the bureaus history and only his boss sees it.

- Amy Adams has some kind of issue that isn't really addressed but I think we're supposed to believe that she was conning herself? Either way, both women use sex to get what they want which is a completely accurate representation of the feminine gender.

Each time I thought it was going to end, each time I thought they'd finally resolve whatever it was they were trying to do, it just kept going. Finally, toward what I thought was the end, someone had a new idea or plan to put into effect and I literally sighed out loud. I was promptly 'shushed' by someone in a row behind me, which really irked me. I don't get shushed, I do the shushing. In the cinema, I am the shusher. I'm like a shushing ninja, throwing my shushes so that the shushee doesn't even know where it came from, but they know they just got told to shut up. American Hustle, however, has turned me into a monster. I have become a shushee and I blame David O Russell.

The only thing worth watching the film for would be J-Law's comedic timing, Christian Bale's whole performance (which was actually pretty damn good, especially after you remember he puts on that stupid voice as Batman) and Amy Adams breasts for getting the most a screen time. And don't think I didn't see that nip-slip you put in there, David O Russell, because I did. We all saw it. I was looking for it in every super low cut top you put her in and got nothing. Then, you give it to us in the sex scene. The unnecessary sex scene. Which, funnily enough, was not quite as unnecessary as the majority of the other scenes that didn't drive what little plot there was forward.

 

Final Thought

Who did I piss off in a past life to deserve listening to Amy Adams fake British accent for two hours while being constantly confronted with her side-boob?